Undeserving of Small Blessings

For a while now I have know what the Lord has been leading me to do and possibly become. One of the tasks He has given me on this journey of growth is this blog, but recently I’ve felt He is leading me to add something else as well even though it’s still in the writing department. The latest thing will require more time and more effort than a blog post and, honestly, I seem to think more clearly when writing more than one page on paper.

This past Saturday I ran errands all over the city and caught up on chores. By the time I got to grocery shopping, I was ready to go home and relax with a good book and dinner. However, as I drove towards the grocery store I thought again about the writing tasks God had given me. One of my inspirations in the faith whose bible studies I love (she has a great amount of theology) is Beth Moore. Her Entrusted series–which I’m currently going through–had a writing desk pictured on the front cover. Thus, when looking ahead to all the writing I think I will be doing, I knew I wanted a writing desk.

Mind you, I’m not that materialistic. If my apartment catches fire, there are only three things I will grab: my cat, my bible, and my phone, in that order. Everything else can burn because it can be replaced…if I even want to replace it. Going back to Saturday, as I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store I prayed and asked God to help me find a good, cheap desk. I stepped out of the car with the intention of getting groceries, but God called me into the indoor flea market a couple of doors down.

As I entered, I told myself, ‘okay, I’m only going to look for a desk. If I can’t find one that I like, then I probably imagined God calling me here and I’m just going to get groceries and go home’. A third of the way through the market I found it. A navy blue, dark topped desk; small enough to fit into my small apartment yet big enough to write/study on. And cheap, too! Still, I wondered how I was going to get it home. Unfortunately, I gave up my hatchback Ford Escort around 2012 for something newer and with more horse power. Once I moved out on my own, I realized my mistake. In an attempt to be less wind resistant, my new car has a tiny hole for the trunk, not to mention the doors to the backseat don’t open very wide.

Needless to say, I went towards the exit doubting I was to have this desk. Nearing the door, though, I stopped anyways to ask about how long someone had in order to move something large they had purchased; 48 hours only upon sale. Leaving the store, I headed to the grocery, putting the desk out of my mind. There was no way I was going to bother someone to help me move it. If I couldn’t figure out a way to move it myself, then I couldn’t have it. (Side note: I have trouble asking for help because I don’t like to bother people. I typically try to do everything that needs to be done myself to avoid bothering others. Where this mentally came from I still have yet to figure out.)

About two hours later, I was home and, after some rest, cleaning. In the midst of cleaning the bathroom, the desk came back to mind. After several minutes, I couldn’t shake it. I finally broke down and text my Life Group (Bible Study Group) asking if someone could help move it the next afternoon an hour or two after service. I even prayed, asking God that if He truly was answering my prayer with this desk to please send someone to help me move it.

I had forgotten it was Father’s Day (having grown up in a household that didn’t celebrate holidays, I tend to forget when the smaller–though, not lesser–holidays happen), so everyone had plans. For about three hours after the text, I kept telling myself to let the desk go. It was just an object; I would find another later when I could better arrange moving it (i.e. borrowing my dad’s truck). Then, one of my friends replied saying if I could wait a day or two they could help move it.

Guys, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be sitting here typing in my apartment on my new desk. After they helped move it into the apartment, I tried to give them something, anything in return as payment for helping because it’s difficult for me to accept things for free. They wouldn’t take anything; they were just glad to help. The moment they left and I shut the door, I cried from overwhelming joy. God heard my prayers and He answered them! This is not the desk I imagined when I prayed. It’s better! Everything He seems to be calling me to do has been falling into place and He has literally equipped me with what I need to get the job done.

I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it! Why He rescued me from the darkness, why He chose me to do these things, why He blessed me with this small blessing, I don’t know. I’m undeserving of any of it. God is good, glorious, overwhelmingly amazing, awestriking, and wonderful. Once the desk was in it’s place next to the window where I could watch the clouds as I ponder things, I sat down and just wept with joy. There were no words; there still aren’t. All I can do is say, ‘Thank you, Lord. Thank you’.

To top it off, this was today’s daily scripture on the YouVersion Bible App…

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”

John 15:7

Thank you so much, Abba, for even the smallest of blessings.


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